


Fair Play

by leoba



Series: Finnreylo Murder AU [16]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: BDSM mention, Discussions of childhood gaslighting, Gen, Historical Reenactment, Multi, Selective Memory, at the county fair, murder mention, past stormpilot, sex as therapy is maybe not the most healthy thing, snoke did a real number on young Ben solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 15:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16558394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leoba/pseuds/leoba
Summary: Finn runs into an old acquaintance, Rey meets somebody new, and Ben has a conversation with someone he should have reached out to a long time ago.





	Fair Play

**Author's Note:**

  * For [earandir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earandir/gifts).



> So a couple of people have told me that this story really upset them. I have tagged it with discussion of childhood gaslighting. If you think that might trigger you, please click to the end notes where I have some spoilers that might help you decide whether or not you want to read.
> 
> * * *
> 
> After chapters and chapters of pure smut we are back to the plot. if you follow the series you know that even the smut contains character development, and I hope this chapter is a kind of culmination of a lot of what's been happening, especially where Ben is concerned.
> 
> There are significant references in this chapter to [In The Clearing and What Happened After](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15606219), the first story in the series, in which Ray, Ben, and Finn have a meet-cute in the forest as they're burying dead bodies. This story won't make sense unless you know that going into it. There's also a passing reference to [Big Black Boots](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16298123/chapters/38118845), in which Rey discovers boot kink and uses the experience to work through some stuff. Enjoy!

“Finn! Finn! Finn! Woohoo!!” Rey and Rose yell from the sidelines as a plate armor-clad Phasma does her signature move, first grabbing the arms of the man in question, then holding them above his head with one gauntlet while bashing the pommel of her sword against the top of his helmet with her other. He's going to lose this bout, but they root for him anyway.

Rose blows the whistle to end the bout and Rey gives one final cheer before glancing around to see what Ben is doing. He'd been showing a little girl how to write her name with a quill when the bout started, but he’s not at the calligraphy table now. The county fairgrounds are still fairly crowded even though the afternoon is wearing on and the light is just beginning to lengthen, but he’ll be easy enough to find even among all the people; he towers above almost everyone, his hair beautifully braided, and today he’s wearing a blood-red tunic over his jeans. He’s very distinctive.

She spots him, up on the slight hill that separates the area where the Knights of the Resistance are holding their historical reenactment from the rest of the grounds. It's the first week of September but the weather is still very warm, even though everyone is technically at the fair to honor the arrival of Fall. Fall won't officially begin for another three weeks, but school’s started, and Rey figures that's enough reason to celebrate.

It's also well into campaign season, and it looks like Ben’s been cornered by a candidate scrounging for votes. Han's with them, too, which brings a smile to Rey’s face. Ben and Han have been spending time together, since the elder Solo started working for her at the garage earlier in the summer. They started with a couple of lunches on the plastic chairs on the sidewalk in front of the garage, followed by one long evening at a bar, after which Ben came home very drunk and begged them to tie him up. Instead they gave him a warm bath, fed him soup, and held him while he cried himself to sleep into his pillow.

That night was painful for all of them, but then it got better. Ben and Finn have even gone over a few times to help with some things at the old house behind the garage, where Rey used to live with Plutt before she killed him and moved in with Ben. Han's been living there for a couple of months now, working in the garage during the day and fixing up the house at night. They text sometimes, Rey is pretty sure, although Ben doesn't talk about it. Neither does Han for that matter. She doesn't really care. They're talking, they communicate and spend time together, and with her and Finn; and she feels so much less guilty than she did when she hired him.

Rey didn't realize Han would be at the fair, so she heads up the hill to say hello. Walking towards them, she's struck again by how alike the father and son are, in posture and visage; and as she gets within a few steps they both turn to her and give her identical expressions: surprise, tinged with anxiety. She's apparently walked into the middle of an argument of some sort; is the candidate being particularly obnoxious? Maybe she can help run interference. She steps up to Ben, wraps her arm around his middle, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He puts an arm around her shoulder. “Hello, love,” she says with a smile.

Ben’s expression is complicated and inscrutable, and his breathing is quite heavy. She glances at Han and says _hey Han_ , and he tips his drink cup at her, then takes a long, loud slurp through the straw. The candidate clears her throat, and Rey turns to face her.

“Hello,” Rey says.

“Hello,” the candidate replies, and gives Rey a generous smile. Then she looks at Ben. “Will you introduce me to your friend?”

Rey glances back at Ben, confused, and he looks very uncomfortable. On the other side of him, Han is suddenly fascinated by the trees that line the creek on the far edge of the grounds. Ben looks into Rey’s eyes as though he's pleading with her. Then he holds up a hand and gestures towards the older woman.

“Rey, this is my mother, Leia Organa. Uh, Mom, this is my girlfriend, Rey Johnson.”

Ms. Organa - Leia - _Ben’s Mom?_ \- looks positively delighted, and Rey’s mind goes blank. She automatically puts out her hand to be shaken. She makes the usual pleasantries, unthinkingly: so lovely to meet you, how are you, I'm fine thank you. The conversation quickly moves from small talk to specifics.

“Oh, Han didn’t tell me you were seeing anyone, Ben! I’m so pleased to meet you, Rey. What do you do? How did you meet my son?” The comfort of Ben’s arm around her brings Rey quickly back to herself, and she answers the questions the best she can. She can’t help but notice Leia side-eye Han at the mention of Plutt’s Garage - Rey guesses that Han told her he’s working there but hadn’t mentioned the minor fact that his manager is his son’s girlfriend, which sounds typical for him.

Rey answers the how-did-you-meet with a simple “at a fair, back in the spring,” which is the lie they agreed on months ago (better that than explain that they met burying dead bodies in the forest). Once they’re past that, it gets a little more comfortable.  Leia is friendly enough and she seems honestly interested in Rey; so even though it's clear Ben and Han would rather be anywhere else than here, it’s tolerable.

As Rey and Ben answer Leia’s questions, she’s able to check the older woman out. Now that she’s paying attention, the family resemblance is obvious. While Ben inherited his father's body and basic facial structure, he has his mother's expressive, dark eyes and full, pink lips. Leia smiles more willingly than her son, but her smile isn't as sincere, or as beautiful. Her hair is dark like Ben’s but is streaked with grey, piled on her head in a kind of complicated bun of braids; Rey thinks it must be quite long when it's down. She's wearing comfortable but high-quality middle-aged lady clothes - a skirt, blouse with a jacket, and sandals - and she is quite short, several inches shorter than Rey herself, although she gives the impression of being taller. After only a few minutes Rey can tell that she’s an imposing woman, not to be underestimated.

Rey’s trying to remember what Ben’s told her about his mom; he’s only talked about her a couple of times. She’s a lawyer or something, although it appears that Rey’s presumption is correct and she’s now running for political office; she’s carrying a handful of fliers in her left hand and there are a couple of badges on her lapel. She’s a decent cook, when she tries (which isn’t often, basically holidays), she was absent a lot when he was a kid, and he hasn’t talked to her in twelve years. It’s the last point that’s boggling her mind just now; Ben hasn’t seen this woman since he was a teenager, and now they’re standing around at the fair making small talk. It’s just a bit incongruous. Shouldn’t they be hugging? Or… fighting? Or something?

It's getting more awkward. Leia is ignoring Han now, and he’s making noises about refreshing his root beer. Although the conversation is cordial Ben’s holding on to Rey like she’s a lifeline, and all she can do is rub his back and hope he finds it soothing. And Leia, although she’s being courteous on the surface, clearly wants to throw herself at Ben, and Rey too probably, but instead she’s trying to get Rey to talk about her hobbies.

Rey _wants_ to hug her, wants to take the three steps over and embrace this woman. She feels the way she did when she first met Han, when she realized the friendly old guy she was interviewing for a job was actually her boyfriend’s estranged father. It was a warm, possessive feeling. Leia and Han are Ben’s, even if he doesn’t want them, so they’re hers, that’s how it works. She wishes they’d all just fall apart, she’d feel less undone if everyone was undone alongside her. The emotional constipation is stifling. She wishes Finn were here; he’s so good at dealing with stuff like this.

* * *

Finn’s used to getting his ass kicked by Phas, so he’s not too bothered when it happens again today. Once the bout is over Snap is there to help him remove his gauntlets, helmet, and the coat covering his chainmail top. He opts to keep the top on; it looks more badass than the gambeson and black bodysuit underneath, and although today is warm he’s not in danger of overheating. On his legs he’s wearing _chausses_ , his chainmail hose, and metal covers over the boots on his feet. Some of the reenactors like to change after a bout, but not Finn. He likes to wear his armor out in public, to feel seen for who he really is.

He grabs a bottle of water from the cooler and looks over at the small crowd gathered there for the demonstration, expecting to see Rey, but she’s not there. She’d been there when the bout started, so she can’t have gone far. He takes a look towards the calligraphy tent to check on Ben, but he isn’t there either. Interesting. Maybe they went off to get some food; maybe they’ll bring some for him. He hasn’t eaten in a few hours, and he’s been working hard during the demos. Food really sounds like a good idea right now. Maybe a funnel cake.

Finn shares a hug with Phas and chats with his friends for a few minutes before he catches sight of Ben and Rey at the top of the short hill next to where they’ve set up for the bouts. Han Solo is with them, too, and there’s another person he thinks he recognizes. He pokes Poe in the shoulder with his bottle.

“Hey Poe, up there,” he gestures up the hill, “is that Leia Organa?”

Poe glances up to where Finn is pointing. “Yeah, it is! Holdo told me she’d be here campaigning today, getting out the vote. And it looks like she’s cornered Ben and Rey, too. Why don’t you go save them?”

Finn smiles. “Yeah, I can do that, sure. Do you think she’ll remember me?”

Poe laughs long and hard. “Man, she danced with you _twice_ , she doesn’t dance with anybody twice, and she asked me about you every time she saw me for a couple of months. She was devastated when she found out we weren’t going on any more dates. Yes, I guarantee she’ll remember you.” He crosses his arms and looks up the hill again. “I’m up for the next bout, but tell her I say hi and I’ll find her when I’m done, okay?”

Finn agrees, takes another long pull on his bottle, and makes his way through the small group of people waiting for the next bout to start. As he saunters up the hill he remembers the last time - the first, the only time - he met Leia Organa. It was a fundraising dinner for Poe’s boss, a state representative named Amilyn Holdo. Organa and Holdo are old friends, from college maybe, and at that dinner Holdo had been encouraging Organa, a lawyer who’d worked her entire career for the state, to run for office. Looks like she’s decided to take the plunge. Organa was intelligent, charming, and an excellent dancer. Finn had liked her very much and was pleased to be able to see her again, even after so many months.

As he gets closer to the group at the top of the hill Finn sees Leia talking animatedly at Rey, although the others look uncomfortable; Ben has his arm tightly around Rey’s shoulders and she’s gripping him around his middle, while Han looks like he’s surveying the fairgrounds but he’s not really taking any of it in. He shakes the ice in his cup and sucks through the straw, but it brings him nothing but air. The three of them see Finn at once. Han smiles and tips his cup, Rey looks relieved, and Ben looks… Finn’s not sure how he looks. Really fucking uncomfortable, but more than that. He’s walking into something complicated and the vibe is very weird, for sure, but he’ll figure it out and it’ll be okay. First things first, though.

Leia notices him as he steps up next to her, and her already smiling face breaks into a grin. “Finn Storm! How lovely to see you again!” They trade cheek kisses, Finn apologizes for his sweat and Leia insists she doesn’t mind, and she compliments him on his armor. Finn relays Poe’s message and Leia says she can’t wait to see him, too, it’s been too long.

Finn turns to face Rey and Ben, intending to introduce them, but he’s caught off guard. They’re both staring at him in shock, and as he tries to figure out what the heck is wrong, he realizes that _Leia_ is introducing _him_.

“Finn, I’d like you to meet my son, Ben, and his girlfriend Rey. Rey was just telling me that she studies engineering textbooks as a hobby. You’re an engineer, aren’t you? Wind power, if I remember correctly. Green energy for a brighter future!”

Now it’s Finn’s turn to stare at Ben, and he’s pretty sure he looks shocked, too. He’s waiting for someone to jump out from behind a tree with a camera, because this is just too weird and Finn’s having trouble processing it. Leia’s still talking, and at the same time that Han announces he’s really going to get more root beer this time and heads towards the food trucks, Ben says, “Mom.” She doesn’t seem to notice, so he shouts, “Mom!”

Leia pinches her face in annoyance. “There’s no need to yell at me, Ben, I’m right here.”

Ben sighs and lifts his eyes to the sky, as though looking to God for assistance. “Mom, we know Finn, he’s our boyfriend.”

Now it’s Leia’s turn to look shocked. It takes her a moment to get there, first hitting confusion, taking a brief stop at realization, then blowing right through understanding and finally landing on shock. As she works through these stages, Rey grabs Finn’s hand and pulls him over so he can put his arm around her, too. He gives her a kiss on the temple for strength. Hers or his own, he’s not sure. He reaches a hand over Rey and wraps the unbraided hair at the base of Ben’s skull around the tips of his fingers and tugs, very gently. Ben releases a breath and visibly relaxes, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders and back. He even slumps, just a bit. That's much better.

Leia has quickly collected herself and is back to smiling, and it even looks sincere, if a bit forced. “Rey, it was lovely to meet you and I hope we can get to know each other better soon. And Finn, such a pleasure to see you again, and please tell Poe hello from me.” Then she focuses her attention on Ben. “There's a nice little sandy area over at the creek, or there used to be, where you can throw rocks into the water. It's very satisfying. Would you walk over there with me, Ben? For a few minutes?”

Ben looks miserable and a bit terrified but he nods, and gives Rey a hug and a kiss. Finn understands if Ben doesn't want to kiss him, he does, it would be fine, but Ben _does_ kiss him, on the mouth. A real kiss in front of his mother and everyone else, and Finn’s heart sings to be acknowledged, recognized. He grasps Ben by the back of his neck and pushes their foreheads together and laughs, he’s not sure why, but Ben is laughing too so it must be okay. Finally Finn turns back to Leia, takes her hand and kisses her knuckles.

“Milady, adieu. Until we meet again.” Leia blushes and Finn holds back a chuckle as he takes Rey by the elbow and leads her towards the food trucks. When they're far enough away Rey starts laughing wildly.

“Finn, was that real? Did that really happen? Because that was a lot. It was a lot, right? I didn't imagine it?”

Finn is chuckling too. “Yeah, that was weird. I can't believe Leia Organa is Ben’s mom. She used to be married to _Han Solo_. I didn't even know she had a family, from what I understand she's been married to her career pretty much her whole life.”

Rey stops laughing and heads for the Greek food truck. “This explains a lot about Ben, though. He’s told us about his childhood but this, I don’t know, adds detail. I mean, I love Han but you saw him nope out back there; he’s not exactly emotionally available. And I guess Leia's always been career oriented, if she was spending so many nights in the capital instead of here at home, when Ben was a kid.”

Finn continues the thread. “And Ben’s so fragile.”

Rey pulls some cash out of the pocket of her sundress to pay for the gyro she's just ordered. “Dependent. Needy.” Finn opens his mouth to argue but she waves him away. “I love him too but you know I'm right. Think about what we're gonna have to do to him tonight when we get home just to calm him down.” He can imagine it. It’ll involve rope, and a belt, a few toys, and probably a lot of tears. It's not an unpleasant thought, but Rey shakes her head as she takes the gyro from the lady in the food truck and begins to unwrap the foil around the top. “It’s exciting, I know. And I love the sex we have as much as you guys do, you know that.”

She hands the gyro to him and he takes a bite; tzatziki sauce spurts on his cheek and he wipes it on his hand, then trades Rey the sandwich for a napkin while he chews. She takes her own bite, then continues talking around it. “ _Fuck_ , this is good, I was really hungry. Anyway, it’s just exhausting sometimes. I want to have sex because it feels good, because it’s fun, and because it’s a way we can show we love each other. But sometimes it’s not about that, it’s, like, emotional release, and maybe that’s not healthy.”

Finn sighs and takes another bite of gyro. Rey’s being a hypocrite and he’s pretty sure she knows it, but he doesn’t want to piss her off. Once he’s swallowed he hums a little tune, and she laughs dryly. “I know what you’re thinking, Finn. That I’m a hypocrite. I mean, that whole boot thing, I think we all know what that was about, right?”

He shrugs. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but yeah. I mean, it was a really hot scene but it was also therapeutic for you, wasn’t it. A way for you to work through some pain. And you feel better now, don’t you?”

Rey drinks down the last of the water from Finn’s bottle and he takes another bite. “Sure. But maybe we should just, I dunno, go into therapy?”

Finn’s thought about this. “You know, that’s a great idea, for all of us, except for the whole,” he drops his voice to a whisper, even though there isn’t anyone near them at the moment, “ _murder thing_ . I mean, that fucked us all up, maybe a little, maybe a lot, but we can’t _tell anyone_ because we don’t want to _go to prison_. Right?”

Rey shoves the last of the gyro into her mouth. “Ohr nor sho mrk.”

Finn laughs, he can’t help it. “Excuse me?”

She finishes chewing and swallowing and sucks at her teeth before repeating herself. “I need more to drink. Can we find the root beer stand? Han seemed to think that was pretty good.” She tosses the gyro wrapper in a trash can and they wander in search of fizzy, sweet liquid refreshment. As they walk she takes his left hand in both of hers and rests her cheek on his shoulder. “You’re right, of course, about the _thing_. We’d need to be careful. I just think that sometimes I’d like to talk to somebody about some stuff, somebody that’s not you or Ben or, like, Rose or anyone else close to us. And I think maybe it would be a good idea for Ben to do that too.” Finn knows Rey’s right, therapy would be good, but he also wants to protect them, all three of them and this thing they have together. And opening themselves to a third - fourth? - party could really be dangerous. So he needs to consider this some more. He doesn’t reply.

They reach the stand and Rey buys them a cup of root beer to share (Finn’d like to but his armor doesn’t have pockets) and they wander a bit aimlessly for a while, watching people play games and checking out the barnyard animal exhibit. At one point a little boy carrying a toy sword runs up and asks if he can have a photo taken with the knight; of course Finn’s happy to oblige. Eventually they walk around the back of the animal exhibit, closer to the creek, and Finn can see Ben and Leia. It looks like they’re still talking, Leia’s sitting on a big rock and Ben’s throwing stones in the water, but they don’t see him and Rey.

There are more rocks just in front of the treeline of the forest that marks the western edge of the fairgrounds, and Finn and Rey head over there. One of the boulders is flat and wide, and Finn lies down on it, on his back, bending one of his legs while Rey snuggles in next to him. The air is warm and the stone under them is cool, and the noise of the fair blends with the sound of the breeze in the trees behind them, and Finn begins to doze as Rey grows still beside him. Oh, well. Ben can wake them up when he’s ready to go home.

* * *

Ben kissed Finn. He kissed him at the fair, surrounded by people, in front of his mother. It was really nice and he’d do it again; it made Finn happy too, Ben could tell. He watches his boyfriend and girlfriend walk off towards the food trucks, Finn’s hand on Rey’s elbow, and they’re laughing. That’s good, right? They’re happy. This is all really weird, but at least they’re happy.

He turns back around to find his mother still there, just standing there watching him. She’s so small, and so _old_. He remembers her taller, younger, with smooth skin and solid dark hair, although he recognizes the hairstyle she’s wearing; she’s always had long hair, and enjoyed putting it up in elaborate braids and buns and things. She’s smiling, more sincerely now. He guesses the shock of the last few minutes is wearing off of her the same as it’s wearing off of him. He’s just tired now.

Leia talks first. “It’s really nice to see you, Ben. You look good. You got very, um, tall.”

“I haven’t grown an inch since I was seventeen, Mom. I’m, uh, bigger though. I work out a lot, weights and stuff. So I’m just bigger and that maybe makes me look taller. I also jog, that’s my cardio preference. I like to jog in the morning and lift in the afternoons.” He can’t shut up, he’s nervous and he can’t shut up. He’s just running at the mouth and watching this old lady who looks like his Mom as she watches him run at the mouth. He forces himself to stop talking.

Leia takes advantage of his pause to talk again. “I heard you came back. I thought about calling you, seeing how you’re doing.” She’s tucked the fliers under her arm and her hands are clasped together in front of her so tightly her knuckles are white.

“How did you know I was back?”

Leia looks at the ground. “Oh, Snoke called me. Three years ago? He said you’d just moved back to the area. He wanted to be sure I knew, was so pleased he’d been able to hire you right out of Harvard Law. He made sure to tell me you didn’t want anything to do with me.” She takes a shuddering breath. “I still thought about calling you, though. I did think about it.”

Leia Organa is normally the picture of self control and right now she looks like she might fall apart. She’s still staring at the ground, and her chin is shaking. Ben’s suddenly reminded of every time he needed a hug when he was a kid. Every time he was upset or lonely and just needed somebody to _be there for him_ , but his parents were too busy and his uncle was too distant and he was always, always alone.

He spent his entire childhood, years and years, waiting for hugs that never came. But now he’s an adult, and he’s learned how to hug. Rey and Finn, they’ve taught him that. He doesn’t have to wait anymore, he doesn’t even have to _ask_ , he can just _do it_. He can hug. And it looks like his Mom could really use a hug right now. So he takes three steps, wraps his arms around her, and pulls her to his chest.

She makes a small noise of surprise, and after a moment lifts her own arms up around his torso. The stack of fliers falls to the ground but it doesn’t seem to bother her. He rubs his hand in circles on her back, the way Rey did to him earlier, like she does a lot when he needs soothing. It always feels good to him and he hopes it feels good to Leia now.

“It’s okay that you didn’t call me, really,” he whispers. “He was right, I wouldn’t have wanted to see you then. But I think I do now.” She doesn’t say anything in reply, but she does hug him a bit tighter.

After a few moments a group of passing kids jostles them and Leia gives him a little squeeze as she pulls reluctantly away. She pats his chest and declares, “You really do work out a lot, don’t you,” which makes them both giggle. Ben picks up the fliers and then places her hand in the crook of his elbow.

He nods towards the far end of the fairgrounds. “Let’s head over to the creek, okay?”

They walk in silence until they’re through the crowd. Leia clears her throat.

“You seem happy. Rey appears to be a nice young lady, and I was very impressed with Finn when I met him before. I’m sorry I was so surprised back there. I’m not _upset_ .” She stops moving and tugs his elbow, forcing him to look down at her. “Upset with your lifestyle, I mean. I’m friends with a polyamorous triad in the city, another lawyer and his husbands, and it’s _fine_. It’s just,” she sighs and looks back across the fair, in the direction of the food trucks, “it’s just not what I expected.”

Ben huffs a laugh. “Yeah, I didn’t expect any of this today either so I guess we’re even. How did you meet Finn anyway?” They start walking again and before long they’re at the bank of the creek.

“He came to a fundraising dinner, late last year. He was the date of one of Amilyn’s employees, you remember Amilyn Holdo. Another very nice young man named Poe Dameron.” Ben nods his head to acknowledge. He hadn’t realized Poe works for Holdo, hadn’t realized he was in politics at all. Although that knowledge makes sense of some aspects of his personality.

Leia’s still talking, as they walk along the bank in search of the little beach. “Finn sat next to me at dinner and he was so charming and funny, and _smart_ , oh my goodness, we talked about so many things, he explained how wind power works so I could understand it, which is amazing considering how tech-averse I am. And then we danced, and he’s such a good dancer, Ben, oh but you must know that,” Ben nods again. He has danced with Finn, just around the living room, not out at a fancy party, but Finn is definitely a good dancer, yes. “I danced with him _twice_ and I never dance with anybody twice.”

They finally find the beach; it’s really an extended bank that angles down towards the water, covered with coarse sand and small, smooth stones. Leia takes off her sandals before she steps onto the gritty ground. “This’ll ruin my hose but I don’t really care.”

Ben contemplates what his mother’s just told him and looks at her face. Her cheeks are definitely pink. He’s still trying to figure out how he’s feeling. He’s glad she’s here, he’s thought about calling her, too, in the past few months, but dealing with Han has been just enough for him to handle.

But there’s something darker, too. He’s still mad at her, really angry, and he hasn’t forgiven her but also hasn’t taken the time to think about why he cut her out of his life in the first place. It was under the influence of Snoke, which makes the whole thing more complicated. He also understands that their continued relationship doesn't necessarily depend on forgiveness. Heck, he hasn’t forgiven _Han_ for deserting him and he sees him around, helps him out, even enjoys his company. This is nice, what's happening right now, so maybe before they tackle the difficult stuff he’ll take a minute to tease her.

“Mom, do you have a crush on my boyfriend?”

She replies in mock offence. “Ben Amidala Solo! Don’t be rude.” She doesn’t answer the question, though, which Ben definitely finds amusing. She bends her knees, slowly, until she’s close enough to the ground to gather up a handful of stones, stiff in a way she wasn’t the last time Ben remembers seeing her move like this. “So you met Rey at the fair. How did you meet Finn?”

Ben picks up a few stones of his own and weighs them in his palm. The next part is a lie, but it’s a practiced lie by now. It could almost be true. He’d like it to be true, it's a good story. “The same fair. It was the spring version of this one, back in April? The Knights were doing a demo and I stopped to watch.” He tosses stones into the water as he talks, and so does she. She was right; the quiet _sploosh_ when a stone hits the surface is very satisfying.

A vision flashes in his mind, of Finn running out of the shelter of the forest treeline, grabbing the shovel from him and throwing it aside before he can bring it down on Rey’s head. He continues with his story. “He saw me watching; told me later he just liked the look of me. I didn’t see him then, but later I was buying ice cream and there was this girl in line with me. She was cute and talked to me, I’m not used to people just talking to me so that was kind of nice, cute girl, you know.” He glances at Leia and she’s watching him with a little smile on her face.

He swallows, thinking of how Rey really looked the first time he saw her, wild and covered with blood, and picks up more stones. “Anyway he came looking for me, and found me eating ice cream with this cute girl. I guess he decided he liked both of us because after we talked for a while he had to go back to the demo but he got our numbers, and then instead of making two dates he made one and then I guess that was it.” He throws in the last stone and crosses his arms, and remembers how wonderful it felt to wake up with them the morning after, like he’d finally found home. “It was never going to be just two of us, Mom. I don’t understand it but it’ll always be all three.”

“That’s really romantic, Ben. I like that.” Having run out of stones herself, she shuffles across the sand to one of the boulders settled in the ground along the bank, and pulls herself up onto its relatively flat surface, tucking her feet up under her. Ben picks up more stones. “I heard about Snoke.”

Ben throws the next stone harder. Snoke’s disappearance was big news in the region, and of course she would have known about it. He just needs a minute to think. Eventually he’s able to talk. “Yeah, that was a surprise. Just disappeared overnight, no one’s heard from him or anything for months.”

Leia hums. “I hope he’s dead. That man ruined my life, our lives, I think. Um,” there’s vitriol in her voice but her expression is almost apologetic. “No offence, I guess. I know he was important to you.” She’s bitter, so bitter, but he doesn’t blame her. She’s right. He lowers himself on the edge of the boulder she’s resting on.

“No offence taken. I, uh, figured it out a long time ago, I think. What he was really like. I thought he cared about me, wanted to help me, but he just wanted to,” he waves his hand a couple of times, “ _own_ me. He was controlling, loved that he got me into Harvard, held that over my head, insisted that I had to come back to work for him to make it up to him.”

“Ben,” Leia signs, and reaches a finger out to touch his hand where it rests on the stone. He lets her take one of his fingers between hers. Her hand is so small, the bones delicate, the skin dry and thin. When did her skin get like that? “You got yourself into Harvard, honey. You had excellent grades in school. I know you got into fights, but your teachers loved you, most of them anyway. They fought for you. Did you ever see the letter of recommendation that Mr. Ackbar wrote for you? I’ve never seen anything like it. You deserved to get in. Snoke had nothing to do with it.”

“When did you see my letters of recommendation?” Ben is fascinated by the sensation of his mother's fingers around his own, and he has no memory of her having anything to do with his college applications.

She sighs. “When you were applying, Ben. Mr. Ackbar was kind enough to share his letter with me. Every weekend for two months, you wrote essays and talked to your teachers outside of school, and I helped you. You took Mr. Ackbar into the forest to show him that living art installation you constructed up in the trees, he was so impressed, and so was I, because you'd done it all in secret.” Ben is silent. “I wonder if it’s still there? I haven’t been to that part of the forest in years and years.”

He doesn't remember. Living art installation? He has no idea what she's talking about. “No, Mom. I don’t remember this. I remember being alone. For _years_ . I remember Han leaving and then you leaving me with your useless brother so you could work, because _work_ was more important than _me_. And I certainly don't remember you helping me with my fucking college applications, that was Snoke.” And there's the anger, right there, he’s almost yelling and he can feel the sting of tears behind his eyes. But he hasn't pulled his hand away from hers, and she hasn't stopped playing with his finger.

She sighs again and he can hear her shift behind him, and then she's leaning against the back of his shoulder. It feels nice. “I did work a lot, too much, I spent a lot of nights away from home. After Han left, during the week I counted on Luke to be there for you and I know now that he wasn't, but I didn't find out until it was too late, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, honey.” Her voice is getting watery and that makes him happy, and that happiness makes him feel bad. She sounds sincere, as though she really cares.

Ben squeezes her little fingers between his large ones. “Can’t change the past.”

“No you can’t. Can make the future though. Right?” Leia sounds hopeful but uncertain, and Ben’s uncertain too but with the mention of the future he’s no longer thinking about himself; he’s thinking about Finn and Rey, the two people he loves the most who don’t even have mothers to be angry at. So he shifts around to face Leia, puts his arms around her for another hug. She closes her eyes and smiles, and hums contentedly. “Two hugs in one day, that’s some kind of record.”

“What?”

She shrugs. “When you were a kid you hated being hugged. You were fine with it up until you were about six, and then you just… stopped wanting to be hugged. Or touched, really. It made me sad, and I tried to force you for a while, but that just upset you, so I gave up. You’d let me hug you on your birthday, and maybe once or twice during the High Holy Days, but only because I bribed you.” She smiles at the memory, which Ben definitely does not share.

“I… no!” His voice is sharp and she looks at him in surprise, but he doesn't let go of her. “I _wanted_ to be hugged, I remember that. Wanting to be hugged but you never would, you,” but even as he’s talking he realizes what he’s remembering. “Snoke told me you didn’t want to hug me.” _That’s_ what he remembers. Leia looks up at him, calmly, sadly. “He told me you didn’t love me, that I was a burden, that you’d rather I’d…”

Leia interrupts him. “NO.” She puts one of her small, delicate hands on each side of his face. “No, Ben. All lies. And because Han was gone, and I wasn’t around enough, and Luke was… Luke, there was nobody there to tell you the truth.” There are tears in her eyes, now, and she’s wiping his tears with her thumbs. He didn’t even realize he was crying.

“Oh, Ben,” she breathes, and guides his head down so she can rest her forehead against his. “I love you, so much, always. I was just terrible at expressing it. I thought you’d just _know_ , somehow, and it didn’t occur to me until much too late that I should have done more to show it to you. I’d like to try now, if you’ll let me.”

Ben’s feeling a lot right now and it’s starting to be overwhelming. What he really wants is for Finn to take him home and tie him up and… yeah, that’s probably not the best thing to think about when he’s having a moment with his mother. Mom! So many years angry, unloved, unwanted, and now she’s offering it to him. And he wants it, not only for him. “Yeah, that would be good, I think. We can try anyway.” He pulls his head up, so he can get a better look at her face. “It’ll be really hard, I have a lot of, uh, issues, I guess.”

“Are you seeing anybody? A therapist, or a Rabbi, someone you can talk to?”

He’s thought about that, he has, but the murder thing complicates it. He can’t tell her that, so he just shakes his head. “Just Finn and Rey. They’re really helpful, actually, I’ve, uh, grown a lot in the months we’ve been together.”

But Leia’s shaking her head right back at him. “No, Ben, let me tell you from experience that’s not a solution that’s going to work in the long-term. You need to find someone not intimately involved in your relationship you can talk to about these things. I mean, you need to share all this with Rey and Finn too, because they need to know, but it’s not fair to them for you to place all your emotional needs on them. They aren’t psychologists, they’re your partners. Right?” He nods, because yes, she’s right.

“Is that what happened with you and Han?”

Leia chuckles. “Am I that transparent? Of course that’s what happened, he’s the neediest person I’ve ever met. At first it was nice, feeling needed. But after a while it just became suffocating. And then, when I refused to,” she pauses and sighs, rolling her eyes, “whatever, he’d get angry, then _I’d_ get angry, and then we’d fight.”

“I remember the fighting. So, that’s something I remember, anyway.”

Leia smiles sadly. “I guess that’s good. I’m not surprised, the last year or so of our marriage we fought _all the time_. It was sad, when he left, but I really thought we were doing the right thing, for all of us.”

Ben’s not sure of that, but he’s willing to let it drop for now. He really wants to remember more. He’s curious, now, to figure out what was real and what was Snoke-induced fantasy. “Mom, can you tell me about the art installation? That sounds cool and I honestly have no memory of it.”

She laughs and pulls an iPhone out of a hidden pocket of her jacket. “Oh ho ho! This is a treat. It got written up in the paper, and there are even photos online somewhere, give me a second while I search for them.” She pulls up a browser and types quickly with both thumbs, talking as she goes. “You were a Tolkien fiend, read all the books, saw the films in the theaters. You remember?” He nods, because he does. He remembers them, although he hasn’t seen the movies or read the books since he was a teenager. Rey’s suggested watching the movies at home, a couple of times now, and he’s refused. Why? He’s not sure, but there’s something in the back of his head that’s twisting his gut.

Leia continues her story. “You really loved that poem about the horse people. The Rohelm?”

“The Rohirrim. Aragorn recites it in the book, but Théoden says it in the movie. That kind of bugged me at first, but after a while I thought it was okay.” It’s coming back to him, that poem. He had adored it, it was so beautiful, so full of loss. He’d thought about majoring in English in college so he could study poetry, Tolkien and the medieval literature that had influenced him, but decided… Snoke insisted it wasn’t practical. He’d also tried writing his own poems, poems like that, elegant and evocative, but they never came out right. So he’d tried to do other things with it. Hadn’t he?

Leia keeps right on talking, eyes on her phone. “The Rohirrim, right. You used to walk around the house reciting that poem over and over pretending you were that king getting ready to go off to battle. Anyway, you took a line from that poem and figured out how to write it in the trees.” She glances up at him. “Ringing any bells?” She shoves her phone in his hands, and there’s an archived story from the county paper about a local teenager who sneaked into the State Park as winter was ending, climbed the trees that circled a picnic ground, planted full-grown flowering vines, and then arranged the vines to write out a line of poetry. When the vines flowered several weeks later, the writing was clear: “They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow”; a line from _Lament for the Rohirrim_ , a poem by J. R. R. Tolkien, best known for the _Lord of the Rings_ trilogy.

At first it was thought to be a practical joke, until Ben Solo, junior at the local high school, came forward to claim it as a Living Art Installation. There was a quote from him about the beauty of poetry, and how the vines represented life and death, and an accompanying photo. It was definitely him; younger, shorter hair, with big ears and an even bigger smile. He was standing in a clearing in the forest, with the tall trees arrayed behind him. The photo is black and white so the flowering vines don’t show up very well, but more interesting for Ben is that, behind his younger self, at the very edge of the photo, he can see the distinctive branches that overhang the northwest corner of the clearing. The branches which, at this very moment, are swaying in the breeze over the decaying carcasses of Snoke and his partners in death.

He’s not sure how he should feel about that, but the story has jogged a memory. “I got in trouble, didn’t I.”

Leia takes her phone back and smiles proudly. “A little, nothing bad. The vines were able to stay up, you’d done good research to make sure the ones you used weren’t invasive, although we did get fined. It was worth it, though. I was so proud of you, my creative, sneaky boy. I don’t think you told anyone you were doing it.”

He hadn’t told anyone; he hadn’t told Snoke, and Snoke had been _pissed_. That’s what he remembers. He remembers that Snoke was angry that he’d done something on his own, something that Snoke considered silly, a waste of time, time that could be done studying, or planning for the future, or… what? He doesn’t remember that either. He just remembers Snoke’s anger, his harsh words, and his own feelings of inadequacy and desire to please. He’d rather remember the vines; that sounds like fun. He’d rather remember that.

Snoke’s dead, though, Ben killed him and he doesn’t have to worry about him any more. Ben decides that it’s okay that Snoke’s body is in the clearing that he decorated with floral poetry years before. It may be gruesome but it’s also poetic justice. It’s exactly what Snoke deserves. He wonders if the vines were flowering the night they buried the bodies, or if it was too early in the season. He hopes they were.

Leia’s tucking her phone back into her jacket when there’s a greeting from higher up the bank. “Hey guys.” It’s Han, and he has a full cup of root beer. “You look comfy.”

“That stuff is going to kill you, so much sugar,” grouses Leia, and he takes a slurp at her. She pulls a face and scoots over to make room for him on the boulder. He takes a seat and offers the cup to Ben, who takes a sip. It’s good root beer.

They’re quiet for a minute before Han breaks the silence. “So, this is all very weird. Ben, your lovers are asleep on a rock up there,” and he gestures up to the treeline.

“ _Lovers_?” Leia asks, scandalized.

“What would you call them?” Han asks, as he takes her hand and helps her down from the rock.

“Well, if they were the same gender I could call them _boyfriends_ or _girlfriends_ but they’re not, so I can’t. I called them _partners_ earlier. Honey, is _partners_ okay if I’m referring to both of them?”

Ben’s only half paying attention, he’s stood up himself and is now focused on getting to Finn and Rey, getting back home. “I don’t know, I never really thought about it. Partners is fine. Or you can just call them Finn and Rey, Rey and Finn.”

Leia appears satisfied with this answer, and tiptoes across the sand to where her sandals sit on the grass. Ben and Han hold her hands on either side as she struggles to stay upright while slipping her shoes back on.

“Oh, Ben! I was thinking, if you don’t already have plans, you should come over next week to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. You can make the honey cake, I’ll send you grandma Padmé’s recipe. You and your family. Ah!” She smacks his chest with the back of her hand and strides forward. “That’s the word. Finn and Rey, they’re your _family_. That’s what I’ll call them. Okay?”

Ben feels suddenly warm, his heart full, and there’s a flutter in his tummy. “Family, yeah. That sounds good. Thanks, Mom.” He can see his family now, over on a boulder very much like the one he was just sitting on with his parents, his other family; Finn on his back and Rey curled up next to him. He’ll wake them up now, and soon he’ll say goodbye to Han and Leia and leave here and go home. Maybe they’ll watch the Fellowship of the Ring tonight, if Rey is up for it. Then he and Rey will go to bed, and maybe Finn will spend the night, too, he usually does. Ben forgets sometimes that Finn has his own apartment, that he doesn’t actually live with them. They should ask him to move in. Family should share a home.

**Author's Note:**

> Where now the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?  
> Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?  
> Where is the hand on the harpstring, and the red fire glowing?  
> Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?  
> They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;  
> The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.  
> Who shall gather the smoke of the dead wood burning,  
> Or behold the flowing years from the Sea returning?
> 
> * * *
> 
> RE: childhood gaslighting: Ben has serious issues due to extended and persistent gaslighting from Snoke, from early childhood well into adulthood. Specifically, in this chapter while talking to Leia he realizes that his childhood memories aren't "correct" - he misremembers stuff, and there's a lot he doesn't remember at all, and he knows it's because of Snoke. He's going to be fine, but it was hard to write and I think it's hard to read.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you to koyamaboy, who drew this wonderful picture of Finn eating a gyro in his armor!  
> 
> 
> I'm leofgyth on Tumblr, come say hi!


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